I gave in.

For the first time in my life, I gave in to the universe. I know that might sound insane, but let me explain.

I stopped trying to control things that are out of my control. I took my hands off the steering wheel of my life (don't do this in real life, please and thank you) and let myself cruise down the highway with the windows open. I have always been the person who has had to control every aspect of my life - it was my coping mechanism for my anxiety. If I could control my environment, my feelings even, my anxiety wouldn't be as bad. Or at least that's what I thought, but oh does anxiety work the complete opposite way. And I am not saying that by throwing my hands and saying to the world, "here I am, do what you want," my anxiety has disappeared. However, my shoulders aren't so heavy anymore. 

A few months ago, I went through some shit. I'm not really interested in getting into the details but I will say I was at rock bottom. I had lost the majority of my friends, my community, my reputation was damaged, and my heart and spirit were broken. It fucking sucked. And in those moments of grief of losing so much, I released I can either crawl deeper into the darkness or give in. Give in to the ever occurring current of pure momentum that God or the universe, whatever you want to call it, had given me. I always pushed against it but I was so low and so destroyed, that I thought that letting go wouldn't be so bad. And it was the best decision I have ever made. 

I started living by the motto of "one day at a time." I tried every day to find the positive, and negative, of the day and believe that it was truly all happening for a reason. I stopped thinking I could control everything and just let life's natural progression for me happen. Everything began to fall into place - I transferred schools, found amazing opportunities, felt happiness and excitement again and knew deep down that everything was going to be okay. Believe me, if my 6 months ago self heard me talking these days, I would have thought I lost my mind. Instead, I think I found my life. 

I'm not trying to preach to you to believe in something you don't because god knows I hate that. All I am saying is, give yourself a break sometimes. You deserve all life has to give you and most of the time we block our own path to true happiness and peace. 

So, here's to today because tomorrow isn't guaranteed. 

Talk to you soon, 

Why Did I Leave?

Today, I officially withdrew from the college I met some of the greatest people at, learned things I would have never had at, and became the person I am. So, you might ask, why did I leave? 

The universe. Or the man upstairs. I don't think it truly matters if I'm being honest. It just felt right. 

For the majority of my life, I didn't trust my feelings. I trusted my gut but my emotions, nope. I just used the left side of my brain and made the logical, rational choice. And this decision to transfer is a strategic and rational decision for me to make in the hopes of accomplishing what I want in life. However, for the first time, it's the right emotional decision, too. 

The college I've attended the last two years helped me learn how to accept what I was feeling and use it to help me attain my goals, something I thought would never work. It's just, now, I need to move on to continue growing - academically and emotionally. It's time to challenge myself, once again, and fight through the nauseating feelings of change and prove to myself I can do it, I can do whatever I set my mind to. 

When I received the acceptance letter in the mail from the University I am transferring to, my heart stopped. For the first time, in a very long time, I made a decision for myself and absolutely no one else. I was selfish, and you know what, it felt good. I've never felt better about a decision in my life, and, honestly, everyone I care about is so happy for me. I received nothing but good wishes and "congratulations" from everyone, and for the few who haven't said anything or who are mad, I hope we can continue to be friends and one day you'll understand. 

Transferring colleges was not an easy decision, but, it was the right one. So to anyone considering making a big change, no matter what it is, I hope you remember to put yourself first. Take time to listen what your heart, not just your mind, is saying and take the leap. 

Till next time, 

Well it's been a while...

It has been about a year since I posted something last on here - oops. 

I hope you all have been well, I've had a hell of a year. I became the editor of my former* college's newspaper so that's mainly where I've been writing for the past two years. In result, I neglected this little place on the internet that you all support (I don't understand why) and I'm sorry for that. 

But things are going to change, sort of. I want to write more and since I have this lovely little spot, (and more free time if we're really being honest), I'll be popping up on your feeds time and again. In the past, I have guaranteed posts every week, bi-weekly, etc, and have always come short on that front so I'm not promising anything. I still can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing but for now, it is what it is. 

I have so much to catch you all up on - way too much to include in this post. But don't worry, you'll hear all the little tales of me trying to learn to be an adult and all the marvelous things that come along with that like taxes and budgeting. Fun, right?!? For now, though, I'll provide you with a little, and vague, list of my top moments this year to tide you over till I speak with you next.  

Top Moments of 2017 (so far)
  1. Becoming the editor of my college's newspaper (long story)
  2. Getting ousted from being the editor of my college's newspaper (even longer story) 
  3. Spontaneous trip with my Mom 
  4. Turning 20 - oh my god.
  5. Making friends, some old and revisited and some brand new 
  6. Getting a puppy 
  7. Going to a Newspaper Convention and the NY Times 
  8. Creating a side hustle - pssst, follow it on Instagram! 

Talk to you all soon!
*I'll explain that, too.
** I've also hidden the old cringey posts I wrote as a 16 year old so HA! 

Perspective | Part One.

I'm currently laying in a pillow cocoon on my bed, watching Justin Escalona's vlog, Daily Docs, thinking about this upcoming school year. 
I don't usually look forward to school as much as I did this summer. I wanted to be back on campus, with my friends, learning new shit and doing the stuff I love. I waited for Sept 7th to come so I could get back into the groove of my college life. 

I'll be honest, college is the best thing that ever happened to me. . . other than anxiety medication. Anyway, yes, college has been the catalyst for so much in my life. I put myself out there socially more than I ever have. I was lucky if in the past I had two friends, now I have a group of friends that accept me for me and nothing else. It's awesome. 

I've become not only social, but my ability to adapt and to change is starting to grow. It's an incredibly slow growth for me, but it's happening. With this change going on inside of me I'm learning that perspective is going to be huge for me this year. 

I will gain a lot of perspective from making sure I make myself my number one priority and not anything that will not aid me in becoming the person I want to be. I guess that is where I feel my growth, my maturity - whatever you want to call it, will happen. Also, my mom thinks so too and she's always right, so case closed. 

It's not going to easy. I'm a workaholic. If I could work from 7 am to 9 pm everyday for the rest of my life and not physically or mentally worn out, I would. I know that's not a possibility, and I know this from experience because that is literally what I did for the majority of last year. It was fun as hell, I will not deny that but I don't know if I can do that again. 

Would I want to? I'm not sure and I think that's why perspective is gonna be a critical thing. I have a feeling I'm going to be asking this question to myself a lot this year - is this what is best for me? 

I don't know but I'm ready to find out. 
Join me. 

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